What I Wish I Knew About Setting Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the difference between refreshing, life-giving relationships, and toxic, life-sucking ones. Here's what I wish I knew about setting healthy boundaries...

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more information.

Do you recognize the need for setting healthy boundaries in your life? It's not always easy, but it's absolutely worth it. Here are a few things I wish I knew about setting healthy boundaries...

What I Wish I Knew About Setting Healthy Boundaries

1. It starts with you

If you want to set healthy boundaries with others, you first have to set healthy boundaries with yourself.

I've always been a big believer of the idea that you have to set higher expectations for yourself than you set for others, because you can control yourself and you cannot control others.

People who are able to set healthy boundaries are people who have a strong level of personal integrity. They know what's within and out of limits for them when it comes their own actions and behaviours.

This puts them in a position of leverage when it comes to setting boundaries with others.

2. Boundaries allow us to connect with each other

Many people view the idea of boundaries as something negative or restrictive.

But as Esther Perel mentions in her MasterClass on Relational Intelligence, it is because we have boundaries that we gain a sense of how to connect with each other.

Boundaries tell us how to relate with each other, and they create room for intimacy and deeper connection.

People with flexible boundaries choose what to let in and what to reject. As a result, they are more likely to remain mentally and emotionally stable, even in trying circumstances.

Because of their level of comfort with themselves, they’re able to share personal information in a way that’s situationally appropriate, refraining from over- or under-sharing.

If you would like to learn more about the 3 Kinds of Boundaries that Esther Perel talks about, I recommend reading my blog post on it here.

3. The only people who complain when you set boundaries are those who benefit from you not having any

Some people might not like to hear this but it is true. The only people who are angry or upset when you set boundaries are those who benefit from you not having any.

It's no surprise that they would have an issue with you advocating for yourself and setting limits on how they can interact with you, because they would rather you are weak and wide open for them to take advantage of you.

This is why it's really important to be observant of how people react when you set boundaries with them. Are they respectful and reasonable, or are they defensive or even manipulative?

If someone makes you feel bad for having a specific boundary, then it should tell you that you're doing the right thing because they're the exact sort of person that the boundary is designed to protect you from.

4. Setting boundaries will not always feel good

Setting healthy boundaries sounds easy and pleasant in theory, but in reality, it can be really tough. The truth is that you may have to set a boundary and distance yourself from someone at a time when you want nothing more than to be close to them.

That's why setting healthy boundaries involves training your mind to be stronger than your feelings. You have to remind yourself of why you are setting the boundary. There is a reason, and that reason is important. The reason could be for your physical or emotional safety, or that of your loved ones, or simply for your peace of mind.

Reminding yourself why the boundary exists will help you to stick to it even when your heart is telling you to break the boundary and give in to your feelings.

5. The reward is in the long-run

Last but not least, it's important to know that the reward for boundaries occurs long after you initially implement them.

You might enforce a boundary for a rational reason that you can't quite come to terms with emotionally, but after a while both logic and emotion will unite when you see the wisdom in your decision.

Your future self will thank you even if your present self is struggling.

The rewards of healthy boundaries are evident in the events that occur after making a certain decision. This can include the people you meet, the new relationships you build, and the opportunities that come your way.

One decision can change your entire life trajectory, and it's only in future years that you may look back and realize the bullets you dodged and the beautiful things that came about because you implemented healthy boundaries.